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An address to myself, and those in a similar position.
The recent past has been hard for me. I had a breakup that really affected me. But I was reminded to not lose focus on Christ. I've also been asked what God was doing in my life through this time. What was He pointing out; how was He challenging me to grow? Throughout that conversation, with a trusted counselor in my life, I was challenged multiple times with these and similar inquiries. I came to several conclusions at the end of that conversation. The most important being: Don't lose focus and hope; God is sovereign at all times not just in the good, but especially also in the hard, and downhearted/discontented, times.
Sadness over a lost relationship or sadness over something nearing idolatry
One of the most prominent challenges, self-reflections, that I gained from that conversation was also: what was causing my discontent in this situation? Was it solely the loss of a relationship with someone I cared about or was it something more- had I placed "relationship" on a pedestal above God, i.e. had I made the idea/concept of being in a relationship an idol? This has been a huge challenge to my thinking and reflecting since then. As someone that desires a lasting, loving, Christ-centered relationship; had I been building an identity around having/maintaining a relationship and letting the Christ-centeredness of that relationship become second to the relationship in my life? This question is powerful. What happens when we seek to honor God through our relationships and find ourselves slipping closer to, if not falling completely into, idolatry? What happens when our happiness is dependent upon the relationship rather than enjoying the other person and celebrating God with them? God points it out, one way or another! He leads you to realize that you've let a good thing become your main thing.
I pray for my former partner, and hope she grows closer to God and ultimately finds the one whom God has appointed for her, the same way I pray for any of my, many, sisters. I also pray for myself to refocus on God and the hope and happiness found in Him- and Him alone. I look forward to happy memories of a person I was close to in a season, and even more forward to the memories that I'll make in the future. I look to using the lessons and insights that I've gained to draw me closer to God and find joy in the moments, experiences, and relationships He provides me and pray not to fall once again into elevating them to my joy.
Where's the root of your happiness?
Another realization that I had from that conversation involved the reality of sadness. Christ never promised is followers that life would be easy and filled with sunshine and rainbows. Jesus goes so far as to even say the world will hate us, because it hated him first (John 15:18). Even though sad times come we cannot be defined by them or let them take over our identities. We should acknowledge and allow ourselves to feel sadness, but should be able to find joy and happiness in our lives because Christ is our lives' center and we have a hope of brighter days to come, whether in this life or in eternity.
This is often, admittedly, harder said than done. It's easy to let ourselves become caught up in missing the thing causing our sadness rather than grieving it but then finding our happiness once again. During that conversation this realization came in the form of my wise-counselor reminding me that, in a practical way, being sad about losing one relationship is okay, but if I stay in that sadness I'll find myself missing out on future potential relationships because I'll put them off/ push them away because of that "stuckness" in what I lost. But in order to find that happiness, I need to be focused on the one true constant God. He won't leave, no matter how difficult things become. He is always available for His people- His children. To find happiness through our assurance is difficult but necessary. When we're able to be truly happy in who, and where, we are as children of God our demeanor and attitudes change. Even how we face difficult experiences changes as we know where a deeper happiness and joy is found. This realization has been a point of reflection for me: where is my happiness rooted- Christ or the things He provides (see discussion of relational idolatry above).
Where to go now!
Where do you go when you're discontent and emotionally worn down by it? The answer is simple, the application is not so much. The answer: refocus on Christ and the good He is doing, has done, and will do in your life - re-find your joy in Him and be defined as someone who is inherently joyful not because your life is perfect but rather because your Master is perfect. The application of this takes time, especially in the hard times but when it becomes who you (we) are we will be able to be greater witnesses to the power of our God.
To do this requires spending time with God, both in the Word and in prayer; seeking wise counsel from believers around you; fellowship with other believers; and worship & study with other believers. Further, it requires finding time to enjoy the people, opportunities, and hobbies God has provided in our lives for us to find joy in. When having those really low moments God has given us those positive outlets to escape from those damaging thoughts; maybe its taking a walk and enjoying His creation, maybe it's playing the instrument He's blessed you to learn and play, or it could even be going and enjoying time with friends just talking over some coffee. Ultimately, we can thank Him and find joy in who He's created us to be.
So where am I going? Well, I'm running back towards Him. I'm seeking opportunities to enjoy the things He's put on my heart to enjoy; like disc golfing and writing. I've found myself refocusing on my relationship with Him getting back into the Word more regularly and being mindful to grow my prayer life more robustly. My goal is to find internal joy in Him, which will lead to external happiness rooted in my Savior. I'm still a romantic and still desire to be a husband and best friend to a Godly wife, but I'm in-process of making sure that this good desire does not become an idol, but rather a future expression of living out my faith in imitation of Christ. I'm working to be more content and joyful of where God has me right now, with an optimism towards where He will take me in the future. I pray for my future wife whoever she is; that she is growing each day closer to God and pray the same for me as well. I'm also praying for contentment, patience, and joy- that God will provide me greater contentment, a growth in patience, and a heart of joy.
It's a process, it takes time, the sadness is not completely gone but my mind, and heart, has shifted and recategorized it and has taken a right view of that heartache; and I choose to not be defined by it, rather I choose to be defined as someone that finds joy beyond, and in the midst of, hard times because even though it's a hard time for me, the greatness of God, and the blessings He's provided me, is immeasurably greater and worth celebrating.
A Final Word
A final word to those going through a difficult moment in life. Don't lose focus. It's hard, I know! But there is one who is stronger than the pain. One that has experienced heartache and pain to a degree we can only imagine, so that He can understand and identify with us and our struggles. He's always available to lend an ear to listen and cry out to when it just seems like too much. He cares about you, He loves you even when you've not handled things well. His name is Jesus. Turn to Him, trust Him, and focus on Him- and, over time, things will get better. There is joy beyond the pain and difficulty, happiness rooted in Christ that overflows through us when we acknowledge and see His work in your life. Don't lose focus- Trust Him, God is working in your life for a purpose. Trust Him and open yourself up to the lessons He is teaching you through these moments. He is faithful and good. His sovereignty isn't just in the good times, but rather He is sovereign during all times. Don't lose focus!
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