Single, Christian Male and Afraid of Being Alone

I’m a single, Christian man. I’m (re)starting seminary this Fall. I have attended the same church since 5th grade. I am theologically Reformed. I’m a proud Southern Baptist. I’m an uncle, a brother, a son. And I have a secret: I’m afraid of spending my life alone. I don’t want to have this fear, but in order to overcome it I must share it and face it head on. In order to face it, though, I need to start at the beginning.

When listing those things about me there were a couple common relationship types that I didn’t include, I could have easily added nephew, grandchild, etc. but those are not what I am referring to: Significant Other (boyfriend, fiance, or husband) and Friend. I excluded these for a painfully but honest reason I am neither, and have neither. I’m not anyone’s S.O. and don’t know if I ever have been. The closest I came was in High School when I asked a girl in my youth group to go to a couple Friday night football games and to a school formal, she said yes to both, but after the dance we drifted apart; and aside from those couple football games we never went on any dates nor ever placed “labels” on our relationship.

Though, I’ve never been someone’s significant other, however, doesn’t mean I haven’t wanted to. I’ve had many crushes throughout my life, but never had the courage to go beyond “how’s the weather” conversations with them. This is namely because I’ve never felt worthy, or self-confident, enough to ask them. And have struggled throughout my life with feeling worthy enough to have people care for/about me, both plutonic and romantically. This insecurity has also led to me having difficulty opening up to people and building friendships as well; to the point of today where I can, with confidence, make the statement that I have no friends.

This is evidenced by taking a short measurement of friendships and the behaviors that friends engage in. Friends do things together and not just “big” things. They have coffee with one another, they go on day hikes, have bar-b-que’s, and ‘Friends-giving. They call to check-in, celebrate birthdays with each other, and look forward to seeing one another and talking about nothing and everything. And then there’s me. As an example, this year on my birthday I received the stunning number of two birthday acknowledgements, one from my mother and the other from one of the church grandmas. No Facebook posts, no special dinner with friends (or family to be fair), no texts, calls nothing. In the past 5 years, I have not received a single “hang-out” text/call/message and it’s been even longer since receiving a ‘just wanted to check-in’ message. I know someone’s going to make the argument, well have you tried to reach out, friendships aren’t one way streets. In a word: YES! I’ve had my name in group chats and have sent messages to those groups asking if anyone wants to do something, and have suggested those somethings as well, only to be ‘ghosted’ by the entire group. And then over hear that group talk about having done the thing that I suggested doing on the night/weekend I suggested doing it and not being invited to participate.

I’m a guy in America, I’ve been taught that men that are ‘loners’ are strong and that men don’t often have/need relationships with others and that the older they get the less they have. But honestly, I’m scared of that future, because that’s already my present. I don’t have friends, I’m the black sheep of my family, and I don’t have a significant other. I don’t know how much fewer relationships I can have.

I have not only faced this sentiment in society but also in my church, this isn’t a dig at my church, but the reality of my experience. I have seen, and heard, young adults in my church get taken under the wing of families in the church, meaning that families seek them out and invite them over for dinner, go to performances with them, and seek to help the single ones become not-so-single anymore. That is all but one young adult: me. This ‘adopted by a family or two’ isn’t a sentiment of an earlier time in my church’s past, but an ongoing but unnamed practice that is still occurring. With the hope of building up/discipling these young adults as they navigate adulthood by showing them that there are people that they can turn to for support and encouragement and wisdom. Except me, I’ve not received those invitations, but have witnessed them, have been around others that discuss them and the memories made through them; yet, I’ve never experienced one myself. I’ve not had people come up to me and tell me how they’ve seen my perfect partner in their waitress from the other night; both of us knowing that I and their waitress will never meet, but am being told about her as a way for that person telling me about her to express to me that they are thinking about me and my future even when we are not together.

But, just because I don’t have these relationships doesn’t mean that I don’t want them. I’d like to do the opposite of what I’ve been taught and grow the number of relationships that I have as I get older. I want to be confident in myself and my relationships knowing that I have people to turn to that want to see me succeed, but who will also be there to catch, support, comfort, and encourage me when I fail. I am scared that I will grow old alone, as I am doing now. I want to be able to ask that girl in my church that I’ve had a crush on since high school, a different girl from my earlier story, to go hang out...maybe even on a date. I want to get a text from someone that just wants to hangout and talk about life. To get/send a call/text to go on a day hike or to play board games. To have someone say “I’ve found your future wife” about some random barista that person had last week.

I know that God has a plan for my life, He knows whether or not I’ll have a wife. My prayer with this post is to show this fear that I have that I won’t let it control me. To show that I am facing this fear with openness, some embarrassment, and with confidence that God is using this fear to bring others to recognize and reject the notion that men, in particular, are stronger when they are alone but rather I stronger when they share their struggles and face them honestly.

Photo Credit: Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash